Just Know the Facts - Reflecting on the Themes

As I reflect on some of the themes that came out of Saturday’s forum two that stand out for me are building and maintaining a trusting relationship with my teen and the difference between punishment and consequences. They are related.

If I don’t trust that my teen is telling the truth and in fact that has been confirmed by ‘the evidence’ I get mad. I might yell and I might ground her. I might insist she take a drug test. Am I teaching her how to have a relationship with me? Am I modeling trust and respectful communication? Or am I acting out of fear and a knee jerk reaction for control? What if I said nothing other than ‘I’m disappointed that you lied. I don’t know how to handle this right now. Let’s both take some time to process this and think about what would be the best way to handle this?’ What if I allowed her the space to just ‘be’ with this? How would the outcome be different?

My number one goal is maintaining a respectful, trusting relationship with my teen – that’s the bottom line for me. So if that’s my goal then is raging and punishment going to get me there? No, I don’t think so. It may make me feel better because I’ve acted quickly and yelled loudly, but I haven’t modeled respect and I’m not honoring the developmental stage that my teen is in right now. She is not able to make sound, rational decisions all of the time. She is on a learning curve and I, her teacher, am also on a learning curve. This is tough work, raising teenagers, but holding that goal in my heart, helps me remember what it really means to ‘walk the talk’.